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ho hum

how is it that, even when you no longer live with your father, he can still do your absolute head in?
i know he is still TOTALLY in love with my mum still, not that i want to hear that.
i went round to his house the other day, on my day off which i didn't have to do but do do just to keep him off my back, we had a nice time, watched a bit of tv together, went down to supervise the community library for a couple of hours.i didn't mind dong any of this.in fact i enjoyed spending this time just me and my dad.BUT...
on the way down to the library he told me about a conversation he had had with his landlady. she had seen me and mum leave one night after having a lovely dinner with him like we do every week (again we don't have to but we do to keep the peace.)anyhoo...he was talking to her and she said to him "APPARENTLY" why did you two never get married? at this point he turns around to look at me to notice my reaction.THEN says "I wish i had."still looking at me for my reaction. i say oh.
What else does he expect me to say?sorry that your a total fuck up dad? its not your fault that you 100% fucked up your life with mum as you wouldn't keep your fat mouth shut?sorry that your laziness,selfishness and plain old stupidity not to see what pain you were causing made the break up from my mother who is way too good for you. 
no. instead i keep saying oh like a broken record because i have absolutely no idea how to say those things without feeling guilty.
its no fucking wonder my friends made me see the school counsellor after cutting my wrists at 12 through to 15.
no one at 12 should even think of doing that but it was the only i could make myself feel relief.
i once dreamed that i died after cutting myself after one too many cuts and it was only after seeing my mums tearful face that i woke up and rethought what i was doing to myself.
i once rang my dad and told him what i thought about the way things were.he hung up on me, after crying and saying it wasn't all his fault. by this time my mum had got together with her now fiancee pete who is an absolute diamond. not once has he given my mum grief or badmouthed my brother, unlike my dad who once said how great life would me if he didn't come back home one day from school.seeing as my brother was back late from school and he was taken by taxi i can only assume that he meant life woiuld be better if my brother died.
he said this right to my mum,talking about her first born child and only son as if he was no one important in our family. you know, hes only his girlfriends son no one special.prick.
it took months,in fact nearly a year or more, for my counsellor to persuade me that i should love my dad.for a time i only went as far like, Barely.
now i do. at least i think i do.its hard to think of a memory that doesn't include my dad shouting at my brother, my mum shouting at my dad to stop shouting at my brother, my brother shouting back at my dad and me shouting at all of them to shut up.
God knows what the neighbours thought of us!

Tis finally beach weather!

At last! The sun is shining,not a cloud in the sky,trees are swinging,birds are swaying!
Yes it is beach time at last! I have needed to go to the beach for ages.I have spent so long working i haven't been anywhere really. 
I went to the royal cornwall show yesterday though. It was really hot and i now look like a strawberry.Especially my nose, the peeps at work said it was pink but it looks normal to me.but maybe im refusing to see it (Deny Everything!).Hopefully it will turn brown but with my skintone being british milkbottle white, it doesn't look very hopeful.Thats why i need the beach so i can try and change that!
Saw prince edward yesterday as well.i dont know what the big fuss about the royals is.they look like normal people (apart from the heavy set security guards with MAJOR tattoos, and police protection and huge black range rovers (with a very hot chauffeur! If i ever beome royalty he is being my driver!)
Anyway, have just consumed my lovely roast chicken dinner and am now fantasising about the enormously good looking farmers boy i saw the other day herding up his sheep wih his collie.OH MY GOD.

Huh.

Had a really busy day at work today.It didn't help that i was really tired. Char stayed round last night and we didn't get to sleep till just before 1.
Still, it was a laugh!
Was really happy when I got home. The fire was lit and my nan had made us roast lamb with trifle afterwards.Yum Yum! Think I'll have an early night tonight am dead on my feet from work.People were literally queing out the door.They were only buying complete rubbish.Plants and knick knacks that no other person would dream of buying.
Im skint anyway!

it was my stepgrandads funeral today after a rapidly deteriorating form of leukeameia. it was a much needed release.
i was at my nans house where he was, he didnt go into a home it was much better for him to be at home upstairs in his own bed.
i was downstairs talking to his rather annoying nephew who kept asking me irritating questions and how good his life is (LIKE I CARE!!).
when i went upstairs after a while just a entered the room bill took his last breath.he had his brothers and my nan with him, but i dont think he was really aware of anything.
i rang some people just after so my nan didnt have to do it which i think helped her a lot. my uncle and aunt came round and my mum left work early to come be wih us.
it was a brilliantly sunshiney day which really helped us deal with the situation (if that makes sense).my cousins were more upset than me,they are younger than me and took to him better and quicker than me.but after a while i got used to him and loved him like my second grandad.
i didn't cry much but during the first hymn i got a bit tearful and managed to hold it back but when they started to play "My heart will go on" by Celine Dion that finished me.Tears Central.my cousin behind me was unconsolable pretty much throughout.
Its funny that i never realised how much people can be missed when they suddenly won't be there anymore.im going to miss walking into my nans house, look towards bills chair and seeing him sat there watching a trashy american drama or the snooker, or just lying there fast asleep until the dog barked and woke him up ("shut up you horrible little dog!") but it was meant in a funny way.
the only thing i can do is be there for my nan if and when she needs me. i don't know what she'll do,she may sell the house but no-ones sure of what she'll do,not even her i think!

it was my stepgrandads funeral today after a rapidly deteriorating form of leukeameia. it was a much needed release.
i was at my nans house where he was, he didnt go into a home it was much better for him to be at home upstairs in his own bed.
i was downstairs talking to his rather annoying nephew who kept asking me irritating questions and how good his life is (LIKE I CARE!!).
when i went upstairs after a while just a entered the room bill took his last breath.he had his brothers and my nan with him, but i dont think he was really aware of anything.
i rang some people just after so my nan didnt have to do it which i think helped her a lot. my uncle and aunt came round and my mum left work early to come be wih us.
it was a brilliantly sunshiney day which really helped us deal with the situation (if that makes sense).my cousins were more upset than me,they are younger than me and took to him better and quicker than me.but after a while i got used to him and loed him like my second grandad.
i didn't cry much but during the first hymn i got a it tearful and managed to hold it back but when they started to play "My heart will go on" by Celine Dion that finished me.Tears Central.my cousin behind me was unconsolable pretty much throughout.
Its funny that i never realised how much people can be missed when they suddenly won't be there anymore.im going to miss walking into my nans house, look towards bills chair and seeing him sat there watching a trashy american drama or the snooker, or just lying there fast asleep until the dog barked and woke him up ("shut up you horrible little dog!") but it was meant in a funny way.
the only thing i can do is be there for my nan if and when she needs me. i don't know what she'll do,she may sell the house but no-ones sure of what she'll do,not even her i think!

Catch up

OH MY GOD!!!!

So much has happened since my last entry. i hope i can remember whats happened.

I've been to 4 concerts. 2 Lostprophets, one in Plymouth and one in Exeter.Totally excellent!! A P!NK concert with Charlotte. TOTALLY AMAZING!!!!!!!.would seriously recommend it to anyone and everyone!!!! I wish id had sum money to buy merchandise. And My Chemical Romance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally LOVE that band. The fact that Gerard Way had his flies undone on the second set had nothing to do with how much i enjoyed it. I still get hyper when i think about it! 

My mum and her boyfriend Pete got engaged at christmas! about time i think.they're getting hitched 7th december this year.obviously im gonna be bridesmaid, along with charlotte and my aunt Colleen.
My big bro is still in Australia. Lucky Arse.

I left my job in dingles just before christmas, got a job at the local garden centre putting stock out, had a brief (and i mean VERY brief) "thing" with a guy from the warehouse (it wasnt until after i realised he was a tiny bit of a pain in the ass) (in fact it lasted less than a week) and haven't seen him since. That job finished xmas eve. then i went back to the garden centre on checkouts.left that job to become a support worker.got assaulted by one of the service users on my first day.left the next day.a few days later (a week ago) my stepgrandad died of leukemeia at home with his family around him. His funeral is on monday. we got nan staying with us at the moment which is cool.i love my gran.
i am going to report that asault but it didnt help that i got a sicky stomach bug on thurs and am still a bit weak from it.

Never mind!! Life still goes on!!

(There may still be some stuff that i havn't remembered.When i do i must remember to write it in here!

things just got a whole lot better!

hurrah!!!!!!!!
after many years of nagging and pleading i have finally got what i want.a basset hound puppy!!!!!!!!
hazzah!!!!!
i love the way mum told me...although what other people thought of me i don't know.
we were sat in endsleigh having a sprite and breakfast (well i was) and mum slipped an envelope next to me with my name on it.needless to say i was slightly confused!
when i opened it it had a basset hound cartoon picture in the corner and it said
dear sarah,
please keep this in a safe place for me.i believe you are picking me up on the 17th may.i have heard a lot about you and look forward to meeting you.im sure i will be very happy living at your home.
love hector basset hound.
and at the bottom was a small dog tag in the shape of a bone with our phone number on it and 'Hector' engraved on it.
well...i nearly cried i was sooooo happy! i threw my arms around mum and started doing a funny dance whilst trying to keep sat down and trying not to cry. what the other customers must have thought of me...oh well!
can't wait to tell everyone!
OMG!!!!
im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored (kinda kept my finger on the o's there!)
there are only so may times i can tidy my already tidy room (i have witnesses confirming that it is tidy) and a limited amount of time i can spend trying to get my crappy dvd player thingy to work. 
I WANNA WATCH BLACK BOOKS!!!!!!  
i want to be able to do something without getting bored after 5 minutes
i want to see my brother (why o why does he have to be in australia...probably sleeping off a hangover right now...lucky thing)
i want my exams to be out the way
i want my wages (damn them changing payday's date!)
in the words of Manny...I want a herb garden.
thats my rant over...i think...
all i gotta do is go and watch some crappy saturday night tv with my fat cat sat on my lap before my stepdad comes in and starts snoring his head off on the sofa.
yay
Leave a list of fictional characters in your journal that you would love to get a message from. It is your friend-list's mission, should they choose to accept it, to write you an in-character "letter", in your comments, from a character on that list. Then they post their own list in their journal and the process continues.

The Phantom (Phantom of the Opera)
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one more day!!!!

Only one day left until freedom!
Schoooooooooools out for easter! bout time! il stop using excalamation marks now.
can't wait to hang out with my mates and (groan) work. mind you i do love my job, i just hate the customers that come in.i don't care if they can't find the product that they want i just want to go home or go for a drink! no...actually...i wanna go home,grab a baileys with ice,sit down and watch the corpse bride,dodgeball or whatever dvd comes to my hand first and sit in front of the tv with my fat cat sat on my lap cutting off the circulation to my legs.that would be great!
or hangin with my best mate charlotte (charlitan) watchin black books or blackadder on dvd with a mountain of chocolate and a sickbowl next to us.that would be heaven!
oh well...plenty of time for that!

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